My dearest Sprout,
It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you in to this world. You are our miracle. A blessing from God. Arriving at the hospital on August 12th, 2014 with the worst headache of my life and leaving on the 16th with you. Once, we arrived at the hospital we found out that I had developed preeclampsia. I was scared beyond belief. The doctors told me that they needed to induce me. They tried, everything that they could to get me to dilate, even resorting to a foley bulb. I never got passed 1 centimeter but my blood pressure went through the roof. I was drifting off in to lala land. Your heart rate was dropping extremely low. Soon the doctors were rushing in to break my water and rush me in to an emergency C-section. Your daddy has this feeling from the beginning that I would need a C-section but I wanted to try and have you vaginally. I did receive an epidural and I also got a shot when we discovered I had group b strep.
In the delivery room, your daddy was beside me but I didn't know it until the end. They had me on a magnesium drip and I had such a hard time with that. Soon, I heard you cry and the doctors called you a "Little Diva", your daddy was taking pictures. I didn't get to see you at first but daddy did show me a picture of you. I was so excited. Afterwards we were wheeled out, we went passed your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and great-grandma. I held you on this journey. Soon we had to depart as mommy had to go to recovery and you went to the nicu because you couldn't keep your temperature up. I was in recovery for what seemed like forever. I was so hungry and I could barely talk.
Eventually, we both got to the room. I needed help holding you at first because the magnesium still had me in a mind fog. You were and still are the most beautiful child I have ever seen. I was so eager to breast-feed you. I wanted to provide for you, we had trouble at first getting you to latch on and your sugar dropped so you had to have a supplemental bottle. The lactation nurse worked with us and soon we both knew what to do. Your daddy did a great job taking care of both of us at this time. You had so many visitors and everyone wanted to see our little five pound four ounce bundle of joy.
Before we knew it you were at home we had many sleepless nights and you had your days and nights mixed up. We both cried together. I was so nervous, I didn't want to drop you or hurt you and I didn't want you out of my sight. All of the things I said I wouldn't do before you were born went out the window. At first you sleep in your rock n play and before we knew it the only way either of us could sleep was by you co-sleeping. Mommy was very careful with this.
Fast forward and now you are a year old! You still share the bed with me and you are still breast-feeding. You know how to light up a room and you love attention. You are very mischievous and when you are mad you let the whole world know. You love to say "Hey Baby." You have 3 babies you have to sleep with every night Mickey, Blue and Chica. Every stuffed animal you see you call baby though. You love other children and when you get excited you start to shake.
Sprout, you have taught me so much. You have taught me about a love I never knew existed. You have taught me patience, and sacrifice and I would do anything in the whole world for you. I pray daily, multiple times for you and for your future. I pray for your future spouse and I pray God shows me how I can be the best possible mom to you. I want to teach you so many things and I want to see you learn about life and experience fun adventures. I pray when you are grown that we are still close. I pray you will call me up just to talk about your day, that we can go out for coffee and that you will trust me enough to let me in on your life. Everyday, even when I think it's not possible my love for you grows. I will do my best to protect you from this scary world and when I can't I will be there holding your hand and talking you through it. I prayed for you many years and I never thought I would get the chance to be a mother but God had different plans for me. When I found out I was pregnant with you I learned to be thankful for unanswered prayers and to know that God's timing is perfect.
My sweet child, whatever the future holds for you and us as a family know that your daddy and I will always be there along with a few other people that genuinely care for you.
All my love,
Today, I went to Walmart with my mom, grandfather and of course Sprout. We walked around a bit looking for some food ideas for Sprout's upcoming first birthday. When checking out I realized, I need to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. My mom finished checking out while Papa, Sprout and I walked over to the pharmacy.
Papa wanted to hold Raelynn so I let him and went to the window and gave them all of my information. Papa decided he and Sprout were going to walk around. She was rubbing her eyes and fussing. I knew she was exhausted. The pharmacy messed up the directions on my medicine and asked me to wait while they fixed it. Papa was walking with Sprout and they got out of my eye sight. My palms started getting sweating and my heart started beating so fast, it felt like it was going to pop through my chest. I started pacing the floor right there in front of the pharmacy. It seemed as if they were never going to call my name. Finally they did. As I was paying for my medicine my mom came around with Sprout. I finally felt like I could breath again.
My Papa is a wonderful grandfather and I trust him with Sprout. Why the panic? I'm not sure but I bet it has to do with the fact that she is always with me pretty much 24/7. Wherever, I am she is usually following me or I am carrying her around. Maybe, it is because she is my first and only baby. I suppose you could call me overprotective and if we had to label it you could call me a helicopter mom. I don't want to miss out on anything with her. I want her to know that I am always there for her.
One day she is going to have to go off on her own. She will go spend the night with a friend, or at her aunt's house. She will want to go over to her cousin's house to play. I suppose one day I will get to that point where my palms do not sweat but for now I will be that mom. The mom that doesn't even nap unless my child is, even if her dad offers to let me. I am exhausted but I admit my name is Megan and I have Separation Anxiety.
This summer has been hot. You step outside and your clothes stick to you. The dog barks because he wants to come right in after you have let him outside. When summer approaches many of us find that we are going on road trips, to cookouts, or to the pool.
While we are off on our adventures. People are leaving their children, babies and dogs in the car. They think they can run into Target for a moment to find some sandals or pick up some diapers. Their child is sleeping and they don't want to wake them up and deal with the screaming and the tantrums. They just want a moment of quiet. However, their child is sweating profusely. Their child is screaming and crying in agony.
The few moments you thought it would take in Target have turned in to thirty minutes or more. You ran into a friend, or saw a cute dress that you had to try on. You were stalking the clearance mark downs and you wait in line. You know they only have a few registers open and that checking out usually takes a bit. You have forgotten that you even brought your child.
You walk outside a stranger and the paramedics are trying to save your sweet little girl that you leave in the car because you were being selfish. Your little girl looks lifeless and you being to panic. How could you have done this. What if something happens? What if the last thing you told your child was "Be good, you are driving me crazy"? What if you will never get to hold your child and give them a hug. Was it worth you getting alone time, in the nice air conditioning?
You were lucky this time. Your child lived but she is being kept in the hospital. All you get is a slap on the wrist for negligence. Your child however, suffered. Shouldn't this make your heart cringe. You could have never seen her again. Next time will you think, will you take your child with you?
Never leave your child alone in the car, especially with it being summer and the temperatures are soaring. It is hot! If you don't believe me you sit in the parking lot on a sunny day with no a.c, with the windows up for thirty or forty minutes. Don't make excuses, your child is important. If you need time alone, get a babysitter. Find someone that can watch your child for a bit. If you are worried about your child screaming it is okay. We have all been through it. Be safe. Tell your child you love them as much as you can because we are never promised tomorrow.
Have you ever hurt so bad it seemed that never could take the pain away? I have and trust me I still do. The girl in the picture above that was me 8 years ago. I was just a kid. I was 18 and had my whole life ahead of me. I could make everyone laugh, I could make a stranger smile and I wasn't afraid to be loud and stand up for what I believed in.
However, behind closed doors. I was numb. I had been left. No one could understand my pain. I had been forced to do sexual things I didn't want to. I had been around too many people that had done drugs and drank alcohol. I had been let down by the people that were never suppose to hurt you. I was broken. Not just from a broken home. I was broken. All the emo songs in the world could have been written for me.
Around the age of 13 I began to cut. I cut my wrists and my legs and it was a dumb choice. I just wanted something I could control. I wanted to be the one who inflicted pain upon myself because if I did, no one else could. It didn't work that way. My heart still got broken. The pain continued. I had friends that did this, so maybe it was cool. Hurting yourself is not cool. There are many other things you can control. This can become habit forming and so it did for me. I never was the kind who did it because I wanted to end my life but just to feel the sting. I continued up until a few years ago. Do I think about it? Yes, I do. I am tired of the pain that I always feel. I spent time with counselors and was put on depression medicine. It felt like no one could ever be in my shoes. No one could feel my pain.
I am no longer that outgoing girl. I no longer have friends, besides the ones that live in the computer. No one ever seemed to really want to be there long term and no one ever asked how I was. I do know that when I am feeling lonely and broke now that God is there. He hears my prayers. Every single one of them. Some of them go unanswered. Trust me, sometimes those are the best. If you are ever thinking about hurting yourself. I beg you not to. It is not worth the scars. The emotional ones and the physical ones. There are places that can help. Check out the website http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ and call them if you need to. My favorite verse of the Bible Philippians 4:13 says " I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me."
Don't give up. God has plans for you. Even when it seems like there isn't a way. Keep praying. Reach out to someone. Message me if you need to. I am here. I will pray. You are worth it. Words hurt and we will have pain but good things will come as well. You never know when someone will need you. Someone is watching you and wants to be in your shoes. So don't give up. Keep striving.
Have a blessed week.
Life is unfair. How many times have we been told that before. It is true but you know what it is what it is. We learn from our mistakes and from the mistakes of those around us and we need to move on. My mom, whom I love dearly was in and of my life a lot when I was a child. I grew up with major trust problems.
I grew up the child of an alcoholic and an addict. I grew up trying to parent my parent. It hurt. I cried a lot and to this day I still do. I wanted to have that family where my mom or parent came and took you out to do something fun. My mom has taken me to do fun things in my life and I am thankful for her because there are so many people who do not have a mother in their life.
I am telling you this because I have learned from it. I think it why I am super attached to my daughter. I want her to know that I will never leave her. I want her to know that she is my priority and that I would sacrifice anything for her needs. I want to be that mom that cries with her when some boy breaks her heart because I know how awful it feels. I want to eat ice cream out of the container and watch a movie just to cheer her up. I want to be silly and loud and embarrass her. I want her to know she can count on me. I will be at her dance recitals or softball games or her dress rehearsal for the play she is in. I will learn how to do make-up and I will figure out how to do her hair in different styles. I want her to feel like she can come to me for anything. I want to learn along side of her. She has taught me so much and I know there is so much more I will learn from her.
I have pushed people away, gave up on my dreams and forgotten who I wanted to be. This has happened because I was scared. All I have ever wanted was to be accepted. I never was the girl with the coolest clothes. I had no idea you were actually supposed to have a skin routine. My sister taught me how to do my make-up but some lady that wasn't in my family taught me how to shave my legs in the fourth grade.
This isn't how I want me daughter to have to learn things, I want to show her how to shave her legs when she is ready. I want her to understand that cool clothes may be the in thing but there is much more than outward appearance. I want to help her pick out her first prom dress. A mother and daughter bond is a real thing. I see so many people out there that have that bond. My mother and I are closer now. She is trying to be apart of my life and we speak everyday. She has come along way from where she was, but I embrace the fact that my dad raised me. That so many people had a part in showing and teaching me things. I am so lucky compared to so many. However, I refuse to fail my daughter. I will be there standing tall and smiling for her, and I will be proud of her. I know we will have differences all families do but at the end of the day, I will be there.
Before becoming a mom, I had so many off the wall things to talk about. What was I going to do on a Friday night? Who would I be hanging out with? I would talk about what somebody was wearing or so forth. Now, my life has changed a lot! Just like everyone else I am sure. I can talk all day about Sprout but besides that there isn't much for me to chat about.
One thing I talk about in everyday conversation with my fiancée about is poop! Gag! I never talked about this before. It was something I didn't want to discuss. However, when you are a mom, you may choose to talk about how frequent your child goes and how often you need to change their diaper. Does this happen to anyone else?
Most of my day is spent reading stories, singing kiddie songs and building blocks that seem to always get knocked down. That's right my 10 month old doesn't want mommy to play with her blocks, so than I tickle her instead. Now that she is getting into everything and we are trying to keep her from getting her "No" has become a huge part of my vocabulary and trust me it is so hard for me to say. She looks at me with those big blue eyes and smiles and I melt. This is going to be bad, that little girl has me wrapped around her finger but that's okay.
Other things I end up talking about are food choices for Sprout, letting the dog in and out and sometimes who is doing what on facebook. We also say our prayers a lot and Sprout now claps at the end of prayers. It is rather cute and I hope she keeps the excitement of praying up.
Just wondering, what all things do you say a lot in your day to your children? Is there one particular phrase or are there many? Or I would love to hear the funny things your children are saying!
Here's to another week, they seem to go by too quickly now.
Happy Father's day to everyone out there. Today was my fiancée's first official father's day he got to celebrate! We enjoyed a pizza, and he got a few gifts and his parents came over. He went to Wal-Mart this morning and when he came back and he made a statement about how fathers are not celebrated the way mothers are. That is extremely true.
When we went shopping for mother's day gifts there were card, balloons, flowers and so many gifts that were catered to us. However for men there are cards but not as much of a choice gift wise. Why are we not celebrating dads the same. Yes, I know many dads are not in the lives of their children for various reasons but I also know many women that are not in their kids lives. Men always seem to get a bad rap. I feel bad about this. However, I feel like father's day and mother's day shouldn't just happen on particular days. Why don't we celebrate everyday?
I try to let Josh know how much we love him many times a day but often I fail to thank him. He does so much for our family and I want him to know he is appreciate on not just father's day but everyday of the year. I want him to walk out of the door for work feeling loved. Both parental roles are important and we are so thankful for moms and dads alike. We learn so much from them. My family has kind of always been dysfunctional but the older I get the more I appreciate that because those are the parents that God chose for me. I may not always agree with them, we may not always get along but they are the only ones we have.
Why can't we have a special day a week to celebrate not with gifts but with words of acclamation. Everyday would be great but moments slip by so quickly that we could a least aim for once a week. If you don't have a significant other or parent that you can thank or speak kindly to, I would suggest doing something nice for yourself. You are important and you shouldn't ever feel neglected.
Isn't it amazing that God loves us so much that he gave his one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. That is real love. I can't imagine the pain I would have felt. Our God is an awesome God, so as the day passes don't forget to thank your heavenly father for all the blessings!
May you all have a blessed week!
Sometimes I lose myself. I find myself stuck. I look in the mirror and suddenly I am filled with disgust. Why? I really do want to love myself. I somehow see every imperfection, and rarely do I focus on the positive when it comes to myself. Why do I do this to myself. I know God created me in his own image. I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. However, when I look in the mirror all I see is a nose that is too large, a stomach that isn't flat and so much more. Why are these things even important? I should be really proud of myself instead. I am the thinnest I have been in five years. My stretch marks are signs that I carried my child with my body. My nose is similar to my Dads. Shouldn't that make me proud?
We as a society are consumed with our appearance. Yes, it is nice too look great but shouldn't we care more about a person's insides. Shouldn't it matter how you treat others, your work ethnic or if you offer to help those in need. It should matter but our perception is altered. From a young age we are told as children watch what you eat. We are told that a small pimple is horrible. We also compare ourselves to others. Well she is thinner. She has better skin or every guy thinks she is pretty. Why, do we do this to ourselves. That girl could be starving herself. She could be doing the wrong kinds of things for attention but yet we want to be just like her. Why can't we be satisfied with who we are? Is it because every time we see a magazine, it is condemning the way a celebrity looks if she or he gains five pounds? Is it because we think we need to all look the same? How boring, would it be if we all looked exactly the same?
Let me tell you, you are beautiful! You are special and unique. You are one of a kind. There is no person exactly just like you. Even if you are an identical twin, you like different things or your emotions are different. We should celebrate that we are different. As a mom, I have to start watching what I say. I don't want my daughter to hear me complaining about my appearance. I don't want her to hear me say I am fat. I want her to be confident. I want her to love her blue eyes, the dimple in her chin and her super long eyelashes. I want her to celebrate that she is unique and she is loved for being exactly her.
We need to lift each other up. Instead of talking about how bad a person looks, I want you to find something good about them. Maybe the way their freckles stand out, or how pretty their hair is. We are all fighting a battle. Let's not cause more harm to each other and to ourselves. Let's love each other! I challenge you to look in the mirror and find something you love about your appearance. When you are feeling down about yourself think about that thing.
In the Bible Psalms 139:14 says " I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
When I had my daughter, I was overwhelmed! I had no idea how to take care of a little baby. I read all the books, watched videos. I had watched loads of kids before in my life but never had to take care of one all the time. I was terrified. I didn't want to mess up. This is a real persons life and I am responsible for her. Surely they were not just going to let me walk out of the hospital with her.
We went home and my fiancée got to stay home the first night with us but after that he had to go back to work. I can do this I thought. Sprout was a night owl. The first night, I think we stayed up all night between crying, feedings and diaper changes I was exhausted. Soon the days were turning in to weeks. Weeks were turning into months and finally I was sleeping some. Still nothing like I should be. Every time I went to eat Sprout would cry. My stomach was growling but I knew she needed me so I fed her, played with her and finally I ate.
A few months after she was born we found out I had depression, not sure if it was post-partum or just depression in general. I felt like I had no one that could relate to what I was going on. I had my sister to talk to but I didn't want to bother her much as she was working and going to school. I was tired. I was scared what if I wasn't paying attention to the baby? What if she started crying? Thankfully Josh and I got through this and I would do it a billion times but what I really needed was a friend. Someone to come over and see me, get me out of the house. I needed someone to tell me I was doing a good job. That I was doing exactly what Raelynn needed me to do. Someone other than her Dad.
Here it is 10 months later and I still haven't driven alone with Raelynn. I am so scared, people around me aren't cautious and we were in a bump up once on the way to her doctors office and I lost it. I cried. I think I am scared she will start crying and screaming and I won't be able to comfort her. People have said I have spoiled her but I think of it more as being attached.
Before having kids I use to see women in the stores with their children and their kids would be screaming at the top of their lungs. I would think " Geez, control your children lady!" Now I know better. Kids are going to cry, they don't always listen to us, they will throw food, they will try to push you away. That Mom really needed to hear that she was doing a good job. We are too busy judging others about the way they diaper or feed or if they are pro or anti vaccinations. We don't stop and listen to them. We think we know it all and we do know what is best for our child. But their kid is different. They may want to be worn in a carrier instead of riding in the cart. They may be allergic to disposable diapers or cloth diapering maybe something the mother never considered. We are all different but we are all doing the same thing. We are trying to be the best Mom's that we can to our children. The future! We want to teach them the best we can, we want to share valuable lessons with them and let them know that they are loved.
We need to come together as Moms. Stop looking down on each other. This isn't a popularity contest, this is real life. You are doing a beautiful job. We may not always have the support that we need but when we look into the eyes of our children we know that we can't give up! That we won't. If you ever need any support, feel free to email me. I won't have all the answers but I can be there to listen.
Have a blessed evening.
I have had so many people ask me why are you still breastfeeding? My first thought is because my child needs milk! If you aren't breastfeeding your child normally you would formula feed your child until they were a year old. So why would I stop breastfeeding Sprout now and switch her to formula which would potentially upset her stomach. I wouldn't. Let me start by saying I am thankful there are mothers that formula feed their children and for those that breastfeed theirs as well. We are all trying to do our best. Our children are what is important here, not our thoughts or opinions or even those judging looks as I try to feed my child in public.
Sprout doesn't eat with a cover over her head. I don't so why should she. Yes, I try to be discreet. I normally go the car or go some where that doesn't have a lot of people around just because I want to feed my child and really do not want to get in to it with others. I have fed her in public before. If she is hungry, I will feed her. Just as if you were hungry, I would want you to eat and not have to wait.
Besides the fact that Sprout needs milk it is also a comfort to her. If she isn't feeling well, or is upset then she may comfort feed. You know what that is okay. I want my child to feel safe. I want her to know I am there for her. Just as when she cries, I go to her. I want her to have my trust and know that mommy would not leave her. I don't like crying, or sobbing and not having anyone comfort me or ask me what is wrong so I can imagine it is the same for her.
It is also way easier for me to breastfeed. I just have to lift up my shirt and her milk is ready. At 4 am when she wakes up hungry, I don't have to go and fix a bottle and make sure the temperature is just right. It is already prepared. A bonus for me because I get to go back to sleep sooner and I don't have extra dishes to wash.
People have also asked me "Why don't you pump?" I have pumped. I did everyday for the first couple months after Sprout was born, simply because other people wanted to feed her. I have respect for every mother that pumps! It was hard for me, I barely pumped anything and I know that I was producing so much more. The pump and I were just not a fit. All the wires had to be cleaned and I really wasn't going anywhere. People really weren't coming to see us that much. So now I pump when it is a necessity. If I have to have a lumbar puncture for my IIH, or if there is any reason I won't be around Sprout. Besides, that I am always with her, so her milk is always there. I know people want to feed her but now she is bigger and they can give her baby food and let her sling it on them!
When will I stop breastfeeding? I honestly don't know. At first I just wanted to make it to 6 months and now I am hoping for a year. But when a year comes, I am not just going stop. If she isn't ready to be weaned and my supply is still up, I will keep feeding her. I personally don't plan on doing it longer than two years old but we will see what the future holds.
I am so thankful for all of you Mothers out there. Keep up the good work. Whether you are breastfeeding, formula feeding or child has moved on to regular milk, you are doing great. You have made it this far. Each day should be celebrated because motherhood can be hard. So don't give up. Just keep smiling and look at your little one and let them know you love them.
Wishing you all a wonderful week!
Megan, a stay home mom who wants to try new products and let you know what I think of them!